Biased
by Burn
Summary: Duo shares some moments with Heero and God. Rated for strong language and religious themes. 2+1. [Complete: 05.20.2001]
1. Please

Disclaimer: Don't own it.  
Warnings: Shounen ai (2+1), Angst, God.  
Author Notes: This is part of a very short series of Duo's moments with Heero and God. Regardless of the reviews and/or flames I receive, I will post the next part tomorrow if possible, and if not, the first chance that I get. ... but feel free to give me reviews anyway. I kinda like 'em.  
  
Biased  
By: Burn  
  


***_  
_

  
Often times it seems my life has been proclaimed by the Fates to be nothing but one long line of suffering, one tragedy after another; following each other continuously, just like beads on a rosary. Sometimes I can still hear Sister Helen's voice, soft and patient, trying to teach me the separate prayers that went along with the beads. For I while, I tried to follow along and learn them, but I didn't ever hear "Hail Mary," or "Glory Be." Instead, I heard two horribly familiar words whispering their evils into my mind.  
  
"Pain and suffering, pain and suffering, pain and suffering."  
  
I can still hear it, even now.  
  
It's like it will never end, just like those damned rosary beads.  
  
But I swear I kept trying, even after the war ended and I thought that all my hardships were over. I swear I did. But it didn't work.  
  
"Pain and suffering, pain and suffering, pain and suffering."  
  
It was like a mantra of death singing inside my head.  
  
"Pain and suffering."  
  
Those two words have been with me for my entire life, and I fear that they always will be.  
  
When I was younger; still a naive, disillusioned child, I thought that if I turned to God, he might take it all away. Do you know what I found? Take a wild guess.  
  
Pain and suffering.  
  
What's worse was that it was painfully obvious the whole time, but I had been too ignorant with false hope to notice. It had been right there under my nose all along, when Sister Helen used to read the Bible to me.  
  
"Help, Lord, for no one loyal remains; the faithful have vanished from the human race. Those who tell lies to one another speak with deceiving tongues and a double heart."  
  
That is the only truth that I have ever found in that book. I felt sorry even then for Sister Helen and Father Maxwell; I knew that they were wasting their lives. There is no God.  
  
I only hope that I did not waste **my** life fighting for peace.  
  


-- Excerpt from the personal diary of Duo Maxwell, Colony L-2  
  


02.23.AC 199  
  
Don't make me do this. God, please don't make me do this. I can't hurt him; I can't leave him. Even though he has death and murder in his eyes every second he's awake, he looks so damn trusting right now. I know that if I do leave he won't do much more than grunt and shrug a shoulder, but he's hurting inside. I can tell. It's obvious in the way he frowns a little deeper than normal, and the promise of a bloody end is muddled in his blue eyes with something undefinable. I cover my feelings with a smile; he covers his with indifference. I don't think anyone else notices, though.  
  
A soft smile comes to my lips at the thought.  
  
No one else knows Heero's expressions as well as I do.  
  
As if to confirm this, I turn to watch his face in the bare light of the room. His forehead is crinkled, his brows drawn close together as his parted lips breathe slow and steady. My smile widens, and my heart hurts.  
  
_God, please don't make me do this. Don't **ever** make me leave this place._  
  
He shifts in his sleep, the sheets brushing in quiet whispers against his skin. The cool gray-black of night creeping in through the window is beginning to fade orange, signifying the approaching dawn. I press closer against my perch near the door, hiding my face in the door frame as I pray to a God I don't believe in.  
  
_Please, just keep the sun away a little bit longer. Please. Don't make me leave him yet._  
  
Defiantly, the room is still a steady stream of quiet, pale orange, pink around the edges. I squeeze my eyes shut, fingers gripping the wooden edges of the door.  
  
**_Please. _**Just a little longer. I can't go. I love this place.  
  
The clock ticks in steady indifference, reminding me of the grains of time slipping eagerly through my fingertips. I mustn't waste this. I mustn't waste my time with him.  
  
_God, I promise I'll never doubt you again if you just give me a little longer. Just keep the sun away a little longer._  
  
The alarm on the clock buzzes, and his soldier's instincts have him sitting up straight and turning it off within a few seconds. He turns to me, calm and beautiful, and frowns a little deeper than normal.  
  
He knows what I'm going to say next.  
  
"I have to go now, Heero," I say, knowing I'm confirming his worst fears as I do.  
  
He nods, carefully keeping all emotions free from his face, but I catch the little flicker of murder mixing in with something softer.  
  
_God, please..._  
  
"I understand."  
  
He turns away from me, his back beautifully bare, and pads into the bathroom to shower. I've already taken mine; I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, and thought a warm shower might help relax. It didn't work the way I wanted it to, though. I found myself basking in the smell of Heero's shampoo and wishing away the precious minutes that I wouldn't have to go, wishing away my life instead of sleeping next to him, like I should have been.  
  
Another stupid mistake. One I can't take back.  
  
"Goodbye, Heero."  
  
He doesn't respond.  
  
My heart bangs a little harder in my chest, and I walk out the door. It hurts like hell.  
  


***


	2. Disappointed

Disclaimer: Don't own it.  
Warnings: Shounen ai (2+1), Angst, God, Language.  
Author Notes: This is part of a very short series of Duo's moments with Heero and God. Regardless of the reviews and/or flames I receive, I will post the next part tomorrow if possible, and if not, the first chance that I get. ... but feel free to give me reviews anyway. I kinda like 'em.  
  
Biased  
By: Burn  
  


***  
  


_I've been forgotten, discarded, and betrayed, but I've managed to take it all with good humor and a fake smile. Now, I've arisen from the depths of Hell in search of my revenge.  
  
I've been broken.  
I've been battered.  
  
Now I've been renewed.  
  
Don't lie to me and tell me I'm crazy, because, truth be told, I've just gotten a bigger glimpse of reality than you, and I'm not afraid to take advantage of it.  
  
Born of cynicism.  
Innocence jaded.  
Mask adopted.  
  
Call me Death with a smile.  
  
_

-- Excerpt from the diary of Duo Maxwell, Colony L-2  
  


03.04.AC 199  
  
I hate you, God.  
  
I know I've said it before, and I know I've taken it back a million times, but I mean it this time. I really, **really** hate you.  
  
How can you make me do this again? Every time I find myself in him, you make me leave. It isn't fair, it's not! How can you do this to me? Haven't I suffered **enough**?  
  
I don't even know why I bother talking to you like this. It won't do anything; I know you're not real. And if you are, you must be the sadistic, unforgiving kind. I'm tired of this, God. I refuse to stand for it anymore. I'm staying, and there's nothing you can do about it. I love this place, and I'm never leaving it again. I love the way his hair falls over his face, and I love the way he looks like a normal kid when he's asleep like this.  
  
I rest my face in the dip between his shoulder blades, smiling.  
  
A normal kid. I wonder if I'll ever be that.  
  
A warm body shifting beside mine reminds me that I won't. I feel like frowning, but I know the shifting next to me means that he'll be awake soon, and I don't want to be frowning when he wakes up; I want to be smiling. But you know what, God? I don't really care that much about being normal or frowning or smiling, not as long as I can wake up to this beautiful boy every morning, and never have to leave.  
  
There I go again. That's another reason why I hate you, God. Why did you have to do this to me? Why?  
  
Why did you have to make me care so fucking much?  
  
The blanket ends up falling away from his body and he sits up. Everything I'd been thinking quickly flees my mind.  
  
Jesus Christ, he's beautiful.  
  
"Good morning," I whisper, sliding my hand into his warm one. He turns around, looking at me with an expression that would fit a statue better than his face, but if I look hard enough into his blue eyes I can find a trace of something there. Happiness. He's glad I haven't left yet.  
  
I squeeze his hand very lightly, and the edge of his lip twitches; that's pretty much as close as he ever comes to smiling. So I smile for him. His eyes flicker with a restrained kind of affection.  
  
You know, God, if it makes him this happy, I won't ever leave.  
  
He nods to me, pulling his hand from mine as he stands. My breath catches in my throat as he walks towards the bathroom. God, is it really fair to make someone so damn **beautiful**?  
  
"Heero," I say quietly. He turns and looks at me again with that statue-expression and glowing eyes. His muscles tense a little, and he gains a small melancholy look about him. My heart clenches at the sight; I want to wrap him in a blanket of love and soft, soothing words, holding and protecting him in my arms until the whole world falls away.  
  
"I know," he replies in his nasal, monotonous voice. I love his voice. "You have to go."  
  
... But I don't love **that**. "Wh-what?" My voice croaks a little in my throat. I really wasn't expecting him to say that.  
  
"You always have to go," he murmurs just before disappearing behind the bathroom door. It's all I can do not to dissolve into a little ball of dust and cry and cry and cry until I finally die.  
  
I hate you, God. I hate you!  
  


***


	3. Believe

Disclaimer: Don't own it.  
Warnings: Shounen ai (2+1), Angst, God, Language.  
Author Notes: Sorry for getting this out late. Tests, essays, and preparations for finals got in the way. Anyhow, this is part of a very short series of Duo's moments with Heero and God. Regardless of the reviews and/or flames I receive, I will post the next (and final) part tomorrow if possible, and if not, the first chance that I get. ... but feel free to give me reviews anyway. I kinda like 'em.  
  
Biased  
By: Burn  


_  
***  
_

  
Look at me.  
  
See anything out of color, out of context? See anything unusual with this perfectly heart-shaped face? Of course not.  
  
What could possibly lie behind such clear violet eyes and such a charming, carefree smile? Nothing, surely.  
  
That's what **they** all thought; what they still think. It's also what will be the end of them some day. It's impossible to imagine that this face hides enough venom in these pale eyes to knock them like a blow to the stomach. And if they should ever chance to see such an expression, it passes quickly and of they, of course, realize that it was only their imagination. What dangers, what horrors could possibly lie behind such calm beauty, anyway?  
  
Everything, I say. Everything.  
  


-- Excerpt from the diary of Duo Maxwell, Colony L-2  
  


03.21.AC 199  
  
From the back of his blue eyes, I knew he'd be gone as soon as he could. And I hoped he would. Because if he did, I wouldn't have to be the one to leave, and I wouldn't have to lose a little piece of myself every time I walked past the oak door frame of his room.  
  
God, I saw him last night. I was on a special Preventers mission; they were short on men and volunteers, and Lady Une had called to ask for my assistance. I thought I could get my mind off him by going.  
  
God, I was so wrong. He was there, looking beautifully dangerous with his gun and that black murder in his eyes. I tried to ignore him -- God, I swear I tried **so** hard to ignore him. But I couldn't. The silent grace and muscle of his body was my only view. I couldn't look anywhere but in his eyes.  
  
He never once looked my way.  
  
God, I can't tell you how much it hurt when he didn't look at me. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much, God. I can't believe you would take that away from me. I can't believe it. How much torture will you put me through before I finally die?  
  
I hope you're having fun, God. I really fucking do. Because I'm sure as hell not.  
  
He almost died that night, God, and I swear he almost took me with him.  
  
A stray bullet ricocheted against the wall and hit him from where he was hiding. The odds were so against that ever happening that I didn't think it possible in a hundred years. But there he was, God, kneeling on the floor with his face contorted in pain, his shirt and hands dripping sticky crimson, and I ... I lost it, God, I lost all sense of everything. I came out of my covering and took out the enemy nearest to me. I think they're going to have to identify him by his teeth once they find the bodies.  
  
God, my hands are so wet and sticky with blood right now it's not funny. The image of Heero hurting and bleeding is burned on the inside of my eyelids. I see it every time I close my eyes, and I can see it through the tears that I'm crying even now.  
  
He had the stars in his eyes that night. They were so beautiful, God. I'd pray to you a thousand nights just to see him again. His hair was slick and matted with his own blood, but his eyes... Oh, God, his eyes. I would give up anything just to see them again.  
  
I suppose that's why I'm here, God; why I'm sitting in a Church pew, praying to something I've promised myself hundreds of times I'd never believe in. And maybe I don't believe in you, God, but sometimes I want to. I want something to look forward to and hope for once I've lost everything else in the world.  
  
And I have, God. I've lost everything. Heero's in the hospital, in ICU. They don't know if he's going to make it or not.  
  
I'm going to the hospital as soon as I finish up here. I'm going to visit him and pray to you a million times to bring him back to me, just long enough for me to look into his blue eyes and see the stars in them again. God, I don't know why ... you can't ... just ... **let us be!  
  
**Do you know how tired I am of this, God? My knees are starting to hurt from sitting here so long, and I'm starting to lose the feeling in my legs, but I couldn't care less if they just fell off completely. All I care about is him, God. I've changed my mind about everything.  
  
Hurt me as much as you need to; put me through as much pain as you can, just so long as you don't touch him. I'd take on anything for him, God. I'd do anything for those gorgeous blue eyes.  
  
You know, I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, but I've got enough brain cells rolling around upstairs to know when someone's pissed with me. God, I know you're mad at me for all the times I've promised my heart to you and pulled it away the moment some pinprick came up in my life. But I'm sorry, God. I think I've finally realized what you've been trying to tell me all along, what Sister Helen wanted me to get out of those old Bible readings. I know I don't usually come to you for help, God, and I've never believed that you had the answers before, God, but I think love does.  
  
And that was when I remembered something Sister Helen used to quote all the time.  
  
"God is love. Love is God."  
  
By rejecting you, I've been rejecting Heero. God, I'm so, so sorry. I love him so much my whole body hurts and aches with longing. I think I've finally come to realize that the feeling of completion and wholeness when I'm curled against his side is your presence.  
  
I still don't know if I believe in you, God, or if I believe in love, but I** want** to believe in it. I want to believe in him, my Heero.  
  
Please forgive me, God, and give me the strength to make everything right.  
  
I want to believe.  
  


***


	4. Biased

Disclaimer: Don't own it.  
Warnings: Shounen ai (2+1), Angst, God, Strong Language.  
Author Notes: This is the final part of Biased. I hope you've enjoyed it; I know I have! I'm considering doing a sequel, but I'm not sure. What do you think? Let me know in a review or an IM! ^_^  
  
Biased  
By: Burn_  
_

  
***  


  
I think I'm already gone.  
  
I never even saw it coming. It slammed into me with all the subtlety of an elephant on steroids after sneaking up on me with all the stealth of a fox. I never expected it to happen, but it did, and I never even knew it until now. I believe. I love. I live.  
  
And it's beautiful.  
  
I only hope that I can save it from myself before I fuck everything up beyond repair. 'Cause now it's not just my happiness on the line, but his, as well. Heero. I wonder what I would do without him?  
  
Most likely kill myself, I suppose. I love him more than life and everything else good in the world. God, I love him more than space. I'll die before I lay an ill-intentioned hand on that beautiful boy. I'll never live a day without him.  
  
Never.  
  


-- Excerpt from the personal diary of Duo Maxwell, L-2_  
  
_

03.22.AC 199  
  
I've never seen anyone look so small and pale and helpless before in my life. I never thought I'd **ever** say this about him, but, God? He looks so ... vulnerable right now.  
  
That's certainly a first. Heero Yuy, vulnerable.  
  
But it's true, God. He looks so white, even against the bleached sheets and walls of this tiny hospital room. He's covered in tubes and bloodstained bandages, and the only thing telling me he's alive is the faint beeping of the heart monitor, but even that is quiet and weak. God, I'm so scared for him. He's vulnerable, and there's nothing I can do. Nothing.  
  
I eventually settle for standing by the bedside, clutching his hand gently within my own, careful to avoid the IV tube. His eyelashes flutter, but do not open. I'm a little disappointed, but I continue to hold his hand anyway, stroking his knuckles lightly with my thumb. He seems content enough -- relaxed, even. But vulnerable.  
  
I choke on a sigh and close my eyes. What the fuck am I doing here, anyway? God knows he doesn't care. He ignored me on the mission, and there was no softness mixed with murder in those blue eyes...  
  
God, I know I've told you this a thousand times before, but I'd do anything for those star-filled eyes of his. They're the most astonishing things I've ever seen. They're so incredibly blue, blue, blue that it makes my head hurt, looking at them too long.  
  
God, I love his eyes.  
  
His eyelashes flutter again, and the corner of his lips twitch downwards in a frown. I realize I've been squeezing the life out of his hand while thinking, so I immediately let go. His frown grows a little.  
  
Fuck.  
  
I sneak a glance at the clock, noting that I have about three minutes left in my visiting time with him. God, what am I supposed to do?  
  
His hand moves down along the bleached sheets in his small bed a little, and he makes a tiny sound of discomfort.  
  
Oh.  
  
I take the hint and slip my hand back into his, and for once his is cold and mine is warm. His downward movements stop abruptly, and the frown on his lips fades away. I sigh, dragging the nearest chair clumsily over to his bedside, hunching my back as I lean over his bedridden form.  
  
"Hello," I whisper.  
  
He cracks open one of those incredibly beautiful eyes at me, and a smile touches over his face for a brief moment.  
  
"Duo," he rasps. I nod. He smiles again and closes his eyes, all his features becoming more slack and relaxed. He says nothing more, and the sound of the heart monitor pounds inside my brain. It's getting weaker.  
  
"Heero," I say, jostling his shoulder. "You gotta stay awake, man."  
  
No response.  
  
"Heero!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"God dammit, Heero, this isn't funny."  
  
Nothing. It takes a moment for me to notice the red stain creeping steadily across the bandage around his middle.  
  
Oh, fuck. That's definitely **not** a good thing!  
  
I release his hand and stand quickly, moving to the door. I clutch the wall with one hand, trying to ignore my headache as I scream into the hallway.  
  
"Nurse!** Nurse!**"  
  
There's no immediate response, so I move full into the hall, yelling louder.  
  
"You lazy bastards! I think you can haul your asses down here a little faster than that! MOVE IT!"  
  
The beeping of the heart monitor is murder in my ears. It's getting weaker, weaker, weaker...  
  
"NURSE!" I'm frantic now. Panicked. I clutch the little gold cross around my neck between fisted hand, the cool metal offering little comfort against the frenzy rising in my chest. "**NURSE**!"  
  
There's the sound of pounding footsteps in the tiled hallway before a nurse enters the room, brushing past me to Heero's side.  
  
"What happened," she asks, checking him over quickly while looking at his charts. A doctor hustles in soon after her.  
  
"The wound reopened, stupid!" I can't help it if I'm an ass right now. Heero's hurt, and I can't help him. Fuck. Oh, God ... God, please help. Please. This isn't like any other time I've ever asked for your help before. Please, please, **please**, God! This is important! You can't let Heero die!  
  
"There's no need to be rude to me, sir," she informs me crisply. I scowl and flick off her backside.  
  
"Fuck off, bitch. Heero's hurt. Fix him."  
  
**That** was a mistake. I can hardly even blink before she shoves me further out into the hall and closes the door in my face.  
  
"Shit."  
  
I slump against the door and frown, holding the cross tightly in my hands.  
  
God, please...  
  
"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee," I whisper, closing my eyes as I bring my knees up against my chest. "Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen."  
  
I close my eyes and take a deep, shuddering breath. Then I start again.  
  
"Hail Mary, full of grace..."  
  
I stop for a moment, frowning as something inside the room catches my attention. It's a long, loud, steady beep, and it hurts my head and my heart to hear it. **Fuck**.  
  
I start to cry, slumping more heavily and dependently against the door. I can't even bring myself to look inside the room, 'cause I know what I'll see. I've seen it a million times before.  
  
Death.  
  
God, what the hell did I ever do to you?  
  
I sob a little louder, choking on shaking breaths. My chest is heaving, and my heart hurts so, so badly I think I might die.  
  
"Hail M-Mary, full of grace," I whimper brokenly. "... the Lord is with thee. Blessed a-art thou amongst women, and blessed is the f-fruit of thy womb, Je-Je-Je..." I stutter, hiccuping on words. "Oh, **Jesus**," I moan, burying my head against the wall. "I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I **hate** you!"  
  
A light tap on my shoulder nearly sends me jumping out of my skin, and I turn swollen eyes up irritably at the nurse.  
  
"Sir," she says quietly, "he's all right, now. We've got his heart beat stabilized, and stopped the bleeding." She offers a slight smile of reassurance, despite my rude behavior earlier. I suppose she's a little more understanding than I first thought.  
  
"But I heard the heart monitor..."  
  
Another kind smile. "Got it started again."  
  
I look down, a little embarrassed. "Oh." Then I look up at her with hopeful eyes, wiping away tears. "Can... can I see him? Heero?"  
  
She frowns. "I don't think you should see him right away, sir. It would be better if you waited a minute or two--"  
  
I cut her off right there. "No. It's all right." I stand, leaning against the wall wearily. My mind's made up.  
  
As long as I'm around Heero, I'll never get myself figured out. I can't hurt him like this anymore, loving him then leaving. I leave -- permanently -- until I'm not so confused anymore. Then, maybe I'll come back.  
  
I peek inside the door to Heero's room, slightly ajar, and wave sadly at the shaken form on the bed. "Goodbye, Heero," I whisper. I grip the door frame for a moment, remembering all the other times I've done this, and more importantly, the pain. I don't wanna do it again.  
  
But I know I have to.  
  
"I'll miss you," I say.  
  
I let go of the door frame and start walking away. Strangely, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Then again, I know, somewhere in my heart, that I can't stay away forever. I'll be back for him eventually, answers or not. I love him too much.  
  
Or maybe I'm just biased.  
  


***


End file.
